Nell had never been one for parties. She would much rather be at home cozily scrunched up under the blanket she had spent years knitting, its colors changing often. The wool she had been using was discontinued when she finally got past the first panel, so instead of being a solid pale blue, it sort of gained an ombre effect as it morphed into periwinkle, indigo, azur, until finally black. (Nell thought she had chosen a deep navy, but the lighting in the craft shop was dim, and her heart beat incredibly fast at the thought of taking it back). The final design looked like the sky at nighttime, and so she didn’t mind. In fact, she preferred it to just a solid pale blue. If Nell were at home, which she wasn’t, she would be under said blanket with her dad’s stack of vintage Playboy magazines, which he had thrown in the bin weeks ago after her mother had found them and said he would burn in hell for such a sin. Nell had discovered them while putting her empty bottle of almond milk in the recycling, and she now would spend hours under her blanket with them, studying the pouting glossed lips, the curves and the softness of their bodies, the way their hair caressed the sides of their faces and the perfect plumpness of their chests. She would wonder why her breathing would get heavy and her body begin to flush all over, if it was a sin.
But Nell wasn’t at home under the blanket with the Playboy bunnies as company. She was tucked away in the corner of the kitchen of the largest house she had ever been to, hoping that the drunk haze in her classmate’s eyes would render her completely invisible so that in half an hour when she snuck out, everyone would forget she had ever even been there in the first place.
If it weren’t for her best friend, Maisie, she wouldn’t have stepped a foot on the train to Kent, to a house party of one of The Elite, who also studied at Central St. Martins in London with her (yes, they named themselves “The Elite,” which was extremely problematic if you asked Nell.) Out of the entire insufferable lot of them, Maisie was different. She had kindness in her hazel eyes, and she giggled at every joke Nell made, even if it wasn’t funny. None of the rest of The Elite particularly liked her. It wasn’t that she had done anything to them, but they had a tendency to turn their noses up at her charity shop clothing and hand-me-down art supplies, so she was surprised to have been invited to James’ party.
Nell was trying to slink out and around the writhing bodies of the fine art, fashion design, photography, and architecture students to find Maisie. She had been with her when they entered, and they had exchanged the awkward social niceties which are expected when attending a party. Nell had meekly raised her hand as she said hi to everyone, and they pretended to know who she was when they gave her a once-over.
“I’m going to find James. He is such a hottie. You would hit it off—I’ll introduce you.” Nell had met James multiple times already, but she didn’t feel like reminding Maisie. It had been an hour and a half since Maisie had said that and made her way from Nell’s side, and now Nell was beginning to worry. Nell always worried for Maisie. She was slight, with hair like spun gold—and by far the prettiest girl Nell had ever seen—and she was too nice to everyone. Even to guys who couldn’t get the hint. So Nell worried that perhaps Maisie had gotten herself into a predicament which she couldn’t get out of.
It was difficult to escape the dimly-lit kitchen. Almost their entire year group was there, and when they drank, they all seemed to move in slow motion, squishing themselves together like one giant, writhing organism. Nell was glad she didn’t like the taste of alcohol. Not that her parents would’ve let her drink it anyway, but she couldn’t imagine she would enjoy the stickiness of it, or the stickiness of other people when they danced that close to her. She bumped into a girl she had a painting class with, Tilly. Her eyes couldn’t focus on Nell, and she let out a squeak as Nell dragged her into the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen.
“Get your hands off me! I told you already I’m not having sex with you Benja—” Tilly’s eyes found Nell’s face with a look of concern painted across it. “Oh, Nelly, hi.” She slurred her words as she pulled Nell in for a surprisingly tight hug, considering they had only spoken a couple of times and considering Nell had seen her not long before chugging straight vodka from the bottle.
Nell, frozen in shock, kept her hands at her sides before gently pushing Tilly off of her. “Are you all right? Is Benjamin making you uncomfortable? I can call you a taxi or—”
Tilly interrupted before Nell could finish offering her assistance, “Don’t be silly Nellbell!” (That was a new one Nell hadn’t heard before). “Benjamin is a bore, he tries this at every party. He’s a peeping tom and thinks just because I allowed him to watch me… wait no, he watched once and then joined in a second time… or was it… no that was Teddy… what was I saying?” Tilly stumbled and landed on the toilet seat with a delicate thud. The stark lighting exposed her tight red dress, which was falling, and exposed her black lace bra. Her rosy cheeks and her sweaty hairline seemed to be her only imperfections. It looked like she was wearing a crown of diamonds against her chocolate brown hair, Nell thought.
“Benjamin…” Nell trailed off hoping Tilly would understand.
“Oh Benny, he’s fit, right? You should chat with him. You know, in our three years at uni I’ve never seen you with a boy—”
Nell crouched in front of Tilly as she began to slouch against the sparkly zebra wallpapered wall behind the toilet (clearly money didn’t equate to taste) and cut her off. Nell had no interest in joining the incestuous circle of dating at uni. “Have you seen Maisie?” Tilly’s eyes fluttered closed, and Nell shook her knees.
“Mm.” She nodded. “Maisie went out front with James. Probably hooking—oh god I’m going to be sick.” Suddenly, as though all the alcohol had dissipated from her system, Tilly hopped to the sink to let out the contents of her stomach.
Nell took that as her cue to leave, but before closing the door she called over her shoulder, “You can do so much better than Benjamin, Tilly.” She received only the sounds of drunk vomiting in reply.
She made her way out into the hallway. A sparkling chandelier hung from the high ceiling, a thong draped over one of the crystals that Nell had no desire to find out how it had gotten up there. She shook her head and made for the two large, ornate wooden doors which looked as though they belonged in a castle, and burst through them. In truth, Nell was grateful to have an excuse to go outside. She always felt at home under the stars and in the crisp, cold night air that wasn’t plagued by other people’s breath, other people’s conversations, or ideas of what she should be. She could breathe easier, her shoulders would uncurl and her nose unstick from the floor. The stars had no expectations of her, just that she was a pair of eyes who could gaze at them adoringly and occasionally wish upon them. It was quiet. It was safe.
It was strange shutting the door on a completely foreign world of an upper-class house party. The loudness of them she expected, but it was messy and sweaty and not at all perfectly polished like she had thought. When the door shut solidly and only the muffled base of the music could be heard, Nell thought to herself how wonderful it must be to be one of them. The Elite had nothing to worry about; they were a part of something. It was something pretentious, but at least they belonged there. Together.
Nell let out a sigh as she wandered across the paved driveway. The house was located in the center of what seemed like miles of fields and had a tree-lined drive up to it. There was no way she would be able to find Maisie and James if they were out there somewhere, so she sat herself down as far from the house as she could, but not out of the circle of light that the outside lamp reached.
“Not your kind of thing either, huh?” The voice made Nell jump. If her skin wasn’t attached, she would have lost it to the faint breeze that tickled the air. She squinted into the treeline just a few feet from her. A cigarette glowed in the darkness, and a girl stepped out into the light.
She was ethereal. Like a goddess walking. Her pale skin was almost translucent and shimmered with every step she took. Long, black hair hung down past her shoulders, sleek and shiny. She wore a black silk slip dress that brushed the top of her knees and an oversized white shirt over the top, but it slipped down her bony shoulder as she lifted the cigarette to her plump lips.
Nell lost the words she wanted to say as the girl sat next to her and sipped at her wine. It was a deep shade of red which clung to the corners of her mouth like droplets of blood. Nell couldn’t look away from her face.She was convinced she wasn’t even blinking, and the girl started giggling. “I’m Robin. It’s nice to meet you….”
She was asking for Nell’s name, but Nell was lost in the depths of her eyes. They were endless, almost black in color, and there was a whole universe in there. Nell had never seen a universe up close before.
Nell was being creepy. She looked away as Robin took another sip of her wine and looked out at the vastness of the dark in front of them. Neither of them spoke, not for a long while, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. The heat from the beautiful stranger’s skin crawled across Nells arms and her chest and settled in her heart as she breathed in the sweet, smoky scent of her perfume. Occasionally, Nell peered from the corner of her eye, and each time, a smirk toyed with the features on Robin’s face, as if she knew exactly how Nell was feeling.
“Sometimes when they’re all locked away in there, I imagine setting the whole place on fire. With the amount of alcohol and drugs, it would go up quickly.” Her tone was almost bored but bored at the idea of doing something which definitely isn’t boring like arson, not bored with her company. That was what Nell was hoping, anyway.
For the first time, Nell let her lips fall open in a slight gasp. “What?”
“I’m not going to obviously… I just like to imagine.” Robin stubbed her cigarette on the floor next to her and turned to Nell, studying her face. Nell, so unused to any attention being on her, looked away, but Robin grasped the bottom of her chin between her perfectly manicured nails and tutted, “It’s my turn.” She was close enough to feel Robin’s breath, to count every eyelash, to trace constellations from the moles scattered across her skin. Flames danced in Nell’s belly, and she kept swallowing her saliva. Robin’s gaze landed on Nell’s lips as she nibbled on them, unsure of how she should be feeling. Was this a sin? How could it be a sin if it felt so right? Nell didn’t understand sins.
Robin cocked her head. “Do I make you nervous?”
Nell nodded.
Robin leaned in even further, her lips grazing Nell’s ear. “Good.” Her breath was hot.
Nell coughed and scooted backwards slightly, exhaling a breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding. “I don’t recognize you. Do you go to Central Saint Martins too?”
She let out a singular laugh, “Oh god, no. My brother does though. In fact, I’m surprised James hasn’t been all over you, you’re exactly his type. The pretty wallflower.”
I had no idea James had a sister, Nell thought as she tried to hide the blush that rose to her cheeks. “So, you’re one of them?”
Somehow, without Nell even realizing, Robin had moved herself closer to Nell. She tucked a stray lock of hair behind Nell’s ear, and Nell’s brain lost focus. “One of who?” Robin whispered.
“The, um.” Robin’s finger trailed down the side of Nell’s face, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “The, The, um, Elite.” Nell’s voice hitched as Robin’s finger found her pulse, beating rapidly at the side of her neck.
“Aren’t you?” She smiled as she dropped her hand.
“Me? No, I’m not one of them.”
Robin reached to grab Nell’s hand and brought it to her lips, placing a gentle kiss on the knuckles. “But you’re here with them.”
Nell sighed and looked up at the sky. She didn’t let go of Robin’s hand. “Sure, but I’m not one of them, not really. I live with my parents in a tiny village, I take the train to uni, I don’t look like them, and if Maisie hadn’t taken a liking to me, I don’t think I’d be here.”
“You aren’t missing out on much, trust me.” Robin reached into her pocket, took out a cigarette, and placed it between her lips. She handed Nell the lighter. It was heavy in her hand and was engraved with stars, which looked as though they had been etched in with a knife on the smooth metal. Robin leaned in close and took Nell’s hand in hers, igniting the lighter and lighting her cigarette before curling Nell’s fingers over the lighter. It was hot in her hand, and Nell almost wanted to drop it to the floor, but she refrained.
Robin stood in a sudden movement and looked down at Nell as she took a long drag of her cigarette. “I find the stars make better company anyway.” And with that, she turned and walked back into the trees, so quickly it was like she had never been there at all.
Nell scrambled to get up and called out, “Wait, I never told my nam–”
“Nell? What are you doing out here?”
Nell twirled around. Her ankles knocked together, and she stumbled forward slightly to find Maisie and James, both a little disheveled with grass stains on their knees.
“Oh, this is James, by the way.” Maisie gestured to him and a dimple showed when he offered Nell a smile. It was a nice smile; it looked like his sister’s.
“James, I, uh, I didn’t know you have a sister.” Nell tripped over her words at just the thought of Robin.
His sharp features softened slightly as a sadness crept into his smile. “Had a sister.” He turned to Maisie and placed a kiss on her temple. They would make a cute couple. Nell wasn’t sure why Maisie was trying to set her up with him when she and James clearly had something going on. “I’ll see you inside.”
He walked inside, and Maisie didn’t utter a word until the doors closed with a slam, but her face was contorted with a grimace. “Really, Nell? Bringing up a guy’s dead sister doesn’t make the best first impression, my love.”
Nell’s entire body froze, and for a second her heart stopped beating. There was no way. Perhaps he had another sister, it couldn’t be Robin, Robin was warm and real—well she’d felt real to Nell anyway. The reaction her body had was definitely real. No, she wasn’t dead.
Nell began to shake her head, “Dead? She—”
“Yeah, you didn’t know? Robin got trapped in a fire in her studio out in the woods last year. No one knows how it happened, but the rest of the family was on holiday and came back to ashes. James doesn’t like to talk about it. Speaking of, I’ll go check if he’s okay. Come find me later, yeah?” And with that, she squeezed Nell’s shoulder, and once again Nell was alone.
Nell, in the shock of what had just been revealed to her, had completely forgotten about the lighter in her hand, the lighter which a girl called Robin had placed there, a girl who was supposed to be dead. As she traced the stars on the metal, Nell thought to herself how she was glad she wasn’t under her knitted blanket, reading vintage Playboy magazines and wondering if what she was feeling was a sin.
If it was a sin, then she would happily burn in hell forever.
Featured image by Javier Allegue Barros.
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